The End of the World Contingency Plan

In every end of the world movie out there, several places get completely dicked over.  Either bombs are falling on them, or they’re flooded by full oceans, or ripped apart by earthquakes.  Here are the top places to avoid on 12/21/12.

1. New York City: Hell, it doesn’t take the end of the world for that place to get pimp-slapped in film.  Almost every disaster has struck NYC in movies and in television.  It’s like a disaster magnet.  Just freaking stay way from it if you know what’s good for you.

2. L.A.: Everyone says that one day it’s going to fall into the ocean as soon as one good quake hits it.  The likelihood may very well be slim, but is it worth the chance?  I don’t think so.

3. London: I don’t know, maybe it’s all the tea, but London is one of those places that attracts Armageddon danger.

4. Tokyo: They have giant radioactive monsters like Godzilla and they have even scarier forces such as Hello Kitty.  Again, not worth the risk. Oh, heaven help us if somehow the two blended together…The humanity…

5. D.C.: Well, the place is already pretty scary without the threat of the end of times (have you tried to drive through there?).  If we’ve learned nothing from movies such as Independence Day, we’ve learned that aliens will head there first when it comes to eliminating our kind.  Avoid at all costs!

With all this talk of the end of the world, we need to figure out what is the most important thing(s) to protect should the end come.

Well, other than, well, us, of course!

Here are the three I think are of the utmost importance:

It's the Mother F'in Constitution!

1)The Constitution

Law and order is awesome. I mean, we can always change it to all hot girls have to be in bikinis all day and the sexy men-folk need to wear leather thongs. It doesn’t have to stay exactly the same. And really, it’s more just the concept of it anyway.

The Geneva Bible

2)  The Most Complete Texts of Various Religions

Hey, when everything is dreary and muted grey in the apoc, having a belief that something better is out there in the beyond might just be helpful.  And I’m not talking just one–get them all!  The Bible, the Torah, the Koran, etc.

I gotta check out this Madame Tussauds place before we go....

3)  A Wax Figure of Michael Jackson

Our dear King of Pop may have departed this world, but that doesn’t mean he can’t save it.  We could put this outside of our cave and hope that it convinces the zombies to dance instead of coming to eat our brains.  We’re going to need those…Thinking is good.

Got anything else?